Tom Delay: "Hey America, Go F&ck Yourself"

SUGER LAND, TEXAS...12/16/07 12:00pm EST...Earlier today, Former House Whip Tom Delay, who is best known for being the partisan force behind the Clinton impeachment, for jerrymandering Texas, and for being shamed out of office in the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal, gave a rare interview. Speaking to onlookers while he collected refuse from along a roadside, Delay nervously stated that he was "using the next couple hours to pay off his debt to society." With bystanders then calling for his public hanging, an agitated Delay stated "Fine, yell all you want you pathetic idiots . . . but just remember, when this sh!t's over, I'm cashing out my Swiss accounts and retiring in style." Quizzed by onlookers about the sources of the funds in his Swiss accountants, Delay stated, "I didn't say Swiss accounts . . . I said . . . Miss Malounts." Again hearing calls for his public execution, Delay stated, "You're all the same . . . never forget it . . . and also don't forget that in about two hours I'll be kicking back beachside, for the rest of my life . . . so have fun at work tomorrow, you pieces of sh!t."

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Tom Delay is a perfect example of why D.C. is in shambles. He is a lying, morally-bankrupt, corrupt, shamed, disgusting excuse for a human being. Oh, and he let down his constituents, our country and humanity. However, you cannot fully understand the depths of his depravity until you've seen Bill Moyers' documentary Capital Crimes (about 90 minutes). Here's a link to Moyers' video: http://www.pbs.org/moyers/moyersonamerica/media_players/chapter1-1.html

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In the meantime, watch the short video below of Tom "The Hammer" Delay making us all proud.

Paul Wolfowitz & Shaha Riza Sex Tape Leaked Onto Internet

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ . . . 12/10/07 6.42am EST . . . Speaking by telephone, former Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, and longtime love interest Shaha Riza, have confirmed that a sex tape of the two is circulating the Internet. Stated Wolfowitz, “Everything in my life is going wrong . . . not only is my doctrine of preemption a laughingstock, but I will be too when people see my schmutzpeepee.” Stated Shaha Riza, “I want to make it perfectly clear that I was faking it . . . he’s good for pay raises, but that's about it.”
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Only a masochist would want to watch Wolfy and Shaha bump uglies. If that's you, then good luck finding their tape. For the rest of us, we'll have to suffice with a documentary. So kick back and watch the video below entitled The Wolfowitz Doctrine.

Sen. Trent Lott: "Yeah, Kids Die in War"

BIGBUX, VA…12/06/07 12:15pm EST…Officials for U.S. Senator Trent Lott (R MS), who recently submitted his resignation effective year end, announced today that on January 1, 2008 he will become Chairman of the Board and CEO of Dirty Deeds, Inc., a multi-billion dollar U.S. security contractor providing war services in Iraq. While boarding his private Boeing 777, Lott was quizzed about the ethics of the timing, to which he responded, “Yeah, kids die in war, but I can’t think about that, I’ve got shareholders calling me.” Lott then chided President Bush for “not being aggressive enough with Tajikistan over its desire to acquire nuclear tipped spears.” Lott added, “Unless you’re speaking in reference to Senator Larry Craig, dirty bombs are not our biggest threat.” Asked to explain, Lott added “You know what, I get paid by the body, so all I can say is, yeah, Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t fun, but Tajikistan’s different…those people are totally backwards."