Alan Greenspan: “Yes . . . I’m Not, Not Senile?!”

UPSTATE NEW YORK...12/20/07 2:00 pm EST... Giving a press conference from the bedroom of his new home, the Happy Trails Home for the Aging, former Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, was asked if his arrogance, or perhaps stupidity, had caused the dot com and/or current housing crises. Remarked Greenspan, “My roommate and me . . . we eat paste.” Asked then if he, acting as director of the U.S. Federal Reserve, had any personal responsibility for those two catastrophic U.S. economic crises, both of which occurred in the last ten years of his tenure, Greenspan remarked, “Pooooooooopy.” Asked then if he had even slightest clue what the Hell was going on, Greenspan remarked, ”Yes . . . I’m here to drop interest rates – right?”
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AUTHOR’S NOTE: As referred to in the piece above, two of the worst economic crises to ever hit America occurred in the last ten years of Greenspan’s watch. The sick thing about it is, both crises were obvious before they occurred; especially the housing market crisis - you simply cannot indefinitely sustain 30% annual appreciation in home values. Yet Greenspan, probably under direction or threat from Bush, continued to lower interest rates, time and time again; without even the slightest warning to consumers about the perils of adjustable rate mortgages [ARMs]. But hey, when you’re mired in an illegal war, and you need more money for bombs, then you simply ask the Democrats - right? And when they can't pay, then you turn to the Chairman of the Federal Reserve and tell him to de facto print money. I tell you what, it’s absolutely unbelievable how ignorant our elected officials are - seriously, some of them are COMPLETELY ignorant. But then again, from the perspective of their handlers, perhaps that’s the whole point. Well, as a final thought, my article only scratches the surface when it comes to Greenspan, so watch the video below. It's over 5 minutes long, but worth watching!!!

Tony Blair: “I Hate My Job”

GAZA STRIP…12/18/07 6:15pm EST…Speaking to reporters while being shuffled from one armored car to another, former British Prime Minister, and current “Mid-East Peace Envoy,” Tony Blair, bristled with anger as he stated “I hate this job . . . I was told I’d only have to do it a couple months . . . and then I’d be made partner in an investment banking firm in Switzerland . . . so why am I still here Mr. Bush?” Quizzed by reporters about his comments, Blair added “Listen, if you actually believe I was fighting terrorism in Iraq . . . then you’re a bigger idiot than I was for trusting them.” Asked if he planned to resign, Blair added, “No . . . I’m stuck here . . . they’ll expose me if I cross them.”
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AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you're visiting this blog, then you need not be told that Tony Blair was more or less the entirety of the “coalition of the willing.” However, what is not so obvious is the revolving-door policy top neo-conservatives have when it comes to employment. In other words, try as we might, we the people of the world cannot seem to rid ourselves of people like Tony Blair and Paul Wolfowitz. Both men have lost their jobs recently - in Wolfowitz’s case he’s lost a couple - only to re-emerge elsewhere in another position of power. Look it up for yourself, you’ll see. Curiously enough though, it’s not entirely clear what Tony Blair’s current job is. If he is the quartet’s “Mid-East Peace Envoy,” then why was he not involved at Annapolis? Of course this also leads to questions about the "quartet's" [specifically Russia and the U.N.]actual role in the peace process. I heard rumors Blair was “advancing economic development in the Palestinian territories,” but that’s about it. So what is Tony doing over there? As you ponder that question, watch the video below of the “coalition of the willing” in action.

Nicolas Sarkozy - "I Missed All The Neo-Con Fun"

PARIS, FRANCE...12/14/07 4:30am EST...Speaking at a news conference today, recently elected French President Nicolas Sarkozy fielded questions about France's newly acquired neo-conservative agenda. Shaking his head with disappointment, Sarkozy stated "My handlers and I came on the scene a couple years too late . . . we missed all the neo-con fun . . . the threats, propaganda, weapons-deals, wars, travel, speeches, backslapping . . . we missed it all." Again shaking his head with disappointment, Sarkozy added, "So to make up for lost time, we neo-cons have seized control of France." Quizzed about the wisdom of becoming the new world-leader for the neo-conservative agenda, Sarkozy stated, "We neo-cons have no choice . . . we've been thrown out of office in America, England, Italy, Japan, Australia - everywhere." Questioned then about the French peoples' willingness to adopt a policy of greed and empire building, Sarkozy stated, "We're betting the French will roll over and play dead."
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Anyone who cares knows that under the leadership of Jacques Chirac, France resisted the U.S. neocons' illegal invasion of Iraq. A ferocious defender of diplomacy and international law, Chirac understood that change takes time, and hence, he had little patience for Bush's policies. However, Chirac's tenure ended earlier this year, and the French replaced him with Sarkozy. What's interesting is that almost immediately after the election, France became Europe's loudest sabre rattler. It's very curious how things change so quickly. Did the Neocons invaded France too? Watch the video below to decide for yourself. Oh, and and keep in mind that if O'Reilly is happy, then that's probably not good.

Bill O'Reilly Fired by Fox News

SYKO, NEW YORK...12/14/07 4:26pm EST...Acknowledging today his complicity in the media propaganda machine that assisted the invasion of Iraq, sensationalist Bill O'Reilly admitted that he "publicly staked [his] career on WMD being found in Iraq." Stated O'Reilly, "My dismissal needs to happen . . . I have a dinosaur mentality from the 1950s . . . and I'm a man too, so I stand by my statement . . . I said it, I was wrong, and now my career is over." Asked what he planned to do, O'Reilly stated, "I'm a patriot madame . . . and a man of the people . . . I'm going back to my first profession - teaching." Asked where he planned to teach, O'Reilly stated, "Oh I don't know, whereever I can make $10 million a year selling coffee mugs to idiots."
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was in college during the run-up to the Iraq War, and I distinctly remember driving to class one day while flipping the radio stations. Well, I came upon O'Reilly's show, and I'll never forget what he said. O'Reilly said, and I quote, "They will find WMD in Iraq: I stake my career on it." Well, no WMD and Bill's still blathering on our airwaves. I guess his word means nothing. Watch the video below for more of his award winning work.

Scooter Libby "Too Short To Ride Roller Coasters"

SANTA CLARITA, CA...12/14/07 2:45pm EST...Former White House insider Scooter Libby met today with attorneys to finalize the dismissal of his appeal of felony convictions for obstruction of justice and perjury. After meeting for "several hours," Libby and his attorneys spent the rest of the afternoon "playing" at Six Flags Amusement Park. Stated Scooter, "I got candy and soda and pizza and tacos and candy and doughnuts and a funnel cake." Asked then why he wasn't riding any of the park's roller coasters, Libby responded, "They won't let me . . . I have to be at least four feet eight inches tall . . . but maybe next summer." Added Scooter, "I had a great time at the petting zoo . . . except when I almost got locked up." Quizzed about being "locked up," Scooter responded, "Yeah, I went in to pet the goats . . . and heard the cage closing behind me." Asked if he was frightened, Libby responded "No, my friends and I had the combination to the lock."
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VIDEO BELOW: RON PAUL ON SCOOTER LIBBY:

Ann Coulter: "Which Next, Boobs or Adam's Apple?"

RUBY RIDGE, IDAHO…12/14/07 6:42am EST…Broadcasting from her compound in Idaho, best selling author Ann Coulter reached out with a personal request to her shortwave audience. Stated Colter, “Now that my beans and frank are finally gone, what do you, my adoring, gushing fans, think I should do next: More breast implants or an Adam’s apple reduction?” Within moments, a man calling himself "EndOfTime" responded "Getchur tits done." Agreeing, and gushing with flatery, Ann responded, "Okay, that's what I was thinking . . . but the only problem is I still have my man nipples." After a brief moment of thought, Ann laughingly added, "Oh well, I'll just go to some third-world Hell hole and buy some nipples off some third-world bitch that isn't going to use them for anything but overpopulation." Responding gleefully, EndofTime stated "Yeah, those third-world whores deserve what they get." Responded Coulter, "Amen, good buddy."
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hate is a strong word, and like other sensible people, I avoid it as much as possible. However, unlike most the personalities I profile on this site, I do actually hate (M)Ann Coulter. There, I said it - I hate him. He/She represents THE WORST that America has to offer: She's arrogant, culturally devoid, obnoxious, greedy, and the only people more ignorant than her, are her gushing fans. If you doubt that, then please, watch the following video, which hilariously profiles (M)Ann's unedited intellect.

Newt Gingrich: "Yes, I'm Running for President"

MACON, GA…12/11/07 5:20pm EST…At a rally for supporters today, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced his candidacy for the 2008 Presidential Election. Quizzed about his late start, Gingrich stated “The Republican Party is almost dead – literally – so I’m doing whatever I can to prolong the inevitable.” Asked then about his chances of winning the Republican primary, Newt stated “It’s going to be a fight, but I have a loyal base of octogenarians, Fox News doomsdayists, AIPAC members, weapons dealers and Dixie wavin’ southerners.” Asked then if he would like to "super size [his] hamburger combo," Gingrich stated “Ummm, sure . . . but can I pay for this with a credit card?"
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VIDEO: OLBERMAN RIPPING NEWT

Paul Wolfowitz & Shaha Riza Sex Tape Leaked Onto Internet

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ . . . 12/10/07 6.42am EST . . . Speaking by telephone, former Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, and longtime love interest Shaha Riza, have confirmed that a sex tape of the two is circulating the Internet. Stated Wolfowitz, “Everything in my life is going wrong . . . not only is my doctrine of preemption a laughingstock, but I will be too when people see my schmutzpeepee.” Stated Shaha Riza, “I want to make it perfectly clear that I was faking it . . . he’s good for pay raises, but that's about it.”
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Only a masochist would want to watch Wolfy and Shaha bump uglies. If that's you, then good luck finding their tape. For the rest of us, we'll have to suffice with a documentary. So kick back and watch the video below entitled The Wolfowitz Doctrine.

John Bolton Renovates NYC CO-OP Into Doomsday Bunker

NEW YORK CITY…12/09/07 3:48am EST…Former U.N. Appointee John Bolton gave a rare telephone interview this morning from his fortified home in New York. Located in an unspecified area of Manhattan, all that is known publicly about Bolton's fortification is that “it was formerly a co-op, with a view of the Hudson.” Stated Bolton, “I met a lot of resistance when I attempted to buy in…I didn’t have the votes…so I visited the Coop-President, and after successful negotiations, it was decided this voting nonsense was a threat to domestic habitation.” Stated Bolton, “The Coop-President not only brokered the sale of the unit I sought, but also the sale of every other unit to me.” Gloated Bolton, “I live by the Golden Rule…he who has the gold, makes the rules."

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VIDEO BELOW: "J-BOLT" MAKING AMERICA PROUD

Donald Rumsfeld: "I Got Your Yellowcake Right Here."

BISMARCK, ND…12/08/07 7:15am EST…Former U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld appeared this morning on the popular television show “Good Morning Bismarck.” Rumsfeld, a last minute replacement for “Tiny Thelma’s Tin Can Band,” was challenged by host Anita Biscuit about misinformation promulgated in the lead up to the Iraq War. Stated Rumsfeld, “If I have to plant it myself, we’re still gonna find yellowcake.” Asked to “Say more about that stuff,” Rumsfeld stated, “I can do better than that.” Holding up a rumpled paper bag, Rumsfeld stated, “Saddam’s yellowcake is in here, in my…umm, briefcase.” Asked by Biscuit if he brought “enough yellowcake for everyone,” Rumsfeld responded “Well, okay, but this stuff aint easy to find."